Overcome Loneliness

Have you been following the new blog of Tony Robbins and Sage?

They have this great blog about relationships. Tony Robbins is a coach in peak performance and personal power and has been coaching millions of people around the world and have always been a big fan of his work.

Many people in relationships who are in a lot of trouble, emotionally that is. And it is not really that hard to bring back the juice in your relationship - but you need to know the right questions, like tony says: Ask yourself the right questions. Relationships are hard work and we are always faced with challenges. But once you come out of of it, your relationship is stronger than ever. Unfortunately many relationships fail after the first hurdle. Fair enough you need to be with the right guy (or girl) and there’s no point struggling if you are not ment for eachother. But is it really worth giving up a relationship after being together for many years? And what if the next relationship fails? And the next? Aren’t you stuck in a pattern?

The value of asking  yourself the right questions…

Have a look at Tony’s blog!

http://ultimaterelationshipblog.com/

Are you lonely because of depression or depressed because of loneliness?
By: Sommer Watts

Depression and loneliness are often strongly linked to each other. You can feel depressed because you are lonely, or you can feel lonely because you feel depressed. If you can get a grip on depression, you are likely to feel less lonely too.
Although depression is an umbrella term for a host of problems, it is important to diagnose it correctly and quickly. With proper medication, therapy, nutrition and exercise, people can return to their daily lives without any long-term effects.

Depression is a very common condition. Approximately, 15 percent of doctor’s office visits are depression related. This is also the most prevalent serious illness primary care physicians treat. One out of 10 American adults is afflicted with major depression and more than 15 million Americans are diagnosed every year as clinically depressed. the World Health Organization predicts that by the year 2020, depression will be the second leading cause of disability throughout the world, and its researchers estimate that 121 million people currently suffer from it.

Some of the symptoms of depression are the following:

1. Feeling hopeless
2. Difficulty making decisions
3. Sometimes numb (no emotion at all )
4. Easily agitated, irritable or angry
5. Easily tired
6. Feeling guilty and terrible
7. Unable to sleep at night or excessive sleeping
8. Disturbing thoughts
9. Crying
10. Excessive weight gain or excessive weight loss
11. Abuse of children or violent towards loved ones
12. Inflicting self-injury
13. Negative self esteem
14. And the list goes on…

Many of the illustrated symptoms of depression can actually be symptoms of loneliness as well. Depression is a condition which many people are too embarrased to talk about.
Due to the historical stigmatism associated with the disorder, it remains a silent topic.
Depression can be caused by a number of things. It can be caused by a sudden, life-changing event such as loss of a beloved one or an illness. The condition can also gradually develop over a long period of time due to a number of factors, such as poor living conditions, poverty, environment, relationship problems or unemployment. Depression is also linked with personality traits, genetics or abnormal levels of certain hormones such as low thyroid hormone levels.

Whether it be physical, environmental or genetic, there are many ways depression can be defeated. Depending on the person and the condition, one or more of the below treatment methods are more or less preferred.

1. Suitable and recommended medication
2. Proper nutrition
3. Appropriate herbal treatment or other natural treatments
4. Hormone treatments
5. Exercise
6. Cognitive behavior therapy (thought-behaviour connection)
7. Change of situation wherever possible (e.g. bad relationship, job, etc)
8. Counseling or forms of psychological treatment
9. Relaxation therapies
10. Mindset and thinking patterns

The key is a holistic approach and the use of more than one of the above listed methods to beat depression

Depression and Loneliness
Depressed people tend to suffer in silence and isolate themselves from the outside world. When you are depressed, you feel less motivated to go out, make contact, socialize or participate in activities, or doing anything at all. Days, even weeks can go by without wanting to see anyone or talk to anyone and this aggrevates feelings of isolation. Often depressed people do not want to talk about their problem or simply feel misunderstood.
Similarly, prolonged and intense feelings of loneliness can lead to depression. Treating the symptoms of depression is likely to resolve the problem of loneliness. If the reasons of loneliness are well understood (this requires some soul-searching and questioning oneself) and if methods of overcoming loneliness are applied, it is very likely that symptoms of depression will become less or disappear.

Beating depression or loneliness does not start with having more friends, or a relationship, although it can help. It really starts from within and is a process that takes time and care. Asking the right questions and doing the right things as part of this process is one of the keys to healing. Humans go through life in patterns by doing the same thing over and over again. Even in different situations, these patterns will be repeated and simply generate the same results. A pattern is a repeated response to a situation in life or a series of activities that are repeated over and over again. They are formed by what we have learned from the past, what we know now, what we feel comfortable with and what our beliefs and values are. If any of these remain unchanged we become “fixed” in our ways. That’s why many of us have a hard time making lasting changes. The challenge is to break a pattern and gain new, life-changing insights.

So begin with yourself, ask yourself the questions to help you understand where your depression and loneliness is coming from and start interrupting your patterns that have been limiting you now and in the past.

What can you do when you feel lonely in your relationship?
By: Sommer Watts

When we think of lonely people, we usually imagine single people sitting by themselves. Would it surprise you if you heard that many lonely people are in long-term relationships and yet are very, very unhappy? Let us look at some of the reasons why people may be lonely in relationships

People who were once in love and crazy about each other may grow old and bored with each other. Life has a way of changing us so that things we loved to do once may bore us as we grow older. What if the people we live with grow away from us emotionally?
There are many other reasons why we may feel alienated from people in our own household. Addictions, Adultery, Abuse, etc are some of the reasons why people remain private in their misery. Taking care of a baby, or an ailing relative, sick children, etc can also drive one to desperation.

Some people remain in dysfunctional marriages because of cultural pressures, religious, economical or ethical reasons or other reasons such as fear of change or fear of living independently.

The aftermath of such devastating relationships where love is absent is that the two people involved live like strangers in their own home. Also, as children are like sponges, they absorb all the negativity and silent rage and continue the cycle of self-loathing and passivity in their own relationships.

Lack of appreciation is the number one reason why people dissolve their marriages. Each day is offered to us anew to make up for our mistakes or shortcomings. Boredom is most often seen in marriages or relationships where people take each other for granted

For example, the husband may lose interest and let himself gain weight and soon the wife is not attracted to him and looks elsewhere for attention. If they had talked about it when the problem was in its early stages and decided to work through it, they could have stayed together happily for a long time!

If both partners find completely new interests and do not have time to share with each other, relationships will not continue to flourish as before. Although it is normal for men and women to have differing interests, it is also possible to find activities to do that can be enjoyed by both the partners.

Many of us fall in love and get married. After the first few years, we get busy with raising our children. As children grow up, we are caught up with their school, extra-curricular activities, check-ups, birthday parties, etc. Sometimes we lose our previous friendships and bonds while we get immersed in parenthood

Parents learn to play many roles while raising children. They become teachers, therapists, nurses, doctors, nutritionists, seamstresses, crafts people, etc. during the decades they raise children. When the children are ready to leave home, parents find that they are at a loss as to what they do with their time. This can become a devastating condition called “Empty Nest syndrome”.

Sexual Frustration

Lonely mums (with husbands still around), people trapped in lonely marriages, those who have lost passion in existing relationships, etc. live each day without the ability to connect with each other.

Some people, even though they are married, try to find “potential mates” on dating sites. An internet search wouldn’t do any harm, they think. The search may not be the problem; the situation is the problem!

When a couple has been married for over a couple of decades, boredom can set in. Familiarity breeds contempt and loathing if our emotions are not properly re-programmed. Most people know that long lasting, happy marriages are a rarity now-a-days. It is very important that those who are in relationships need to work out their frustration and connect with their partners to have a successful sexual and emotional rapport.

The internet is beset with frustrating experiences of sexual perversion, scams, spam and hoaxes. The paradox of the internet is that as the world is getting more connected, people are also getting more and more isolated. One can live in one state and work in another state or part of the world. Business travel has increased exponentially and many families are alienated by physical and emotional distances. This separates couples and leads to sexual frustration and loneliness

The intense longing for sexual satisfaction in lonely women (widows, nuns, etc.) agitates the mind, causes mystery illnesses and may finally lead to loneliness and depression. Chinese medicine believes that the exchange of sexual energy (Yin and Yang) is responsible for the overall health of human beings.

Despite the gender stereotypes, it is not always men who want sex and women who don’t. There are women whose libido is higher than their partner’s. Older women who have completed their responsibilities and are now ready for a wild and carefree time, may find their enthusiasm come to a screeching halt because their partner has no interest in enjoying sex.

Whichever gender, sexual frustration is happening to; this situation is painful and extremely exasperating. Connecting to each other through gentle discussions and loving approaches may work for partners

Communication

Communciation is the key to bringing your relationship back to life! And by communication I don’t mean talking only, but also sharing experiences together and finding that connection again that seemed to have been lost for such a long time.

If you feel that your partner is not opening up or discussing his/her problems with you, it may be helpful to see a therapist or counselor. If both partners wish to have a good relationship, this is a wonderful way to get another person to mediate. Both partners should be willing to give and take as well as communicate their thoughts and worries as much as they can.

If you are in a strained relationship and feel alienated from someone who was very close you of if you just want to spice up your existing relationship, you can try doing activities together. The purpose of these activities is to find that connection again. It is preferable to do activities that both of you enjoy doing, but it also helps just to be supportive in your partner’s interest by joining for an activity that is your partner’s passion.

Most relationships change with time. The only way to keep our friendships flourishing is to keep a constant dialogue between us about our feelings and our expectations of the relationship. As we grow older, our interests change. People need to constantly find new networks for hobbies and other interests where they can get involved, test the waters and re-assess their likes and dislikes once in a while. This is very important to keep learning and to cherish one’s own uniqueness in life.

Western society has developed in a way that the sense of community has disappeared and we have become strongly individualistic. Societal stress has increased and people are working long hours with increased career-pressures while living in a fast-paced world Loneliness is a major problem in western society as a result of the difficulties many of us have in getting close to others and sustaining intimate relationships. Instead, our lifestyle offers endless activities in pursuit of pleasure – from clubbing to the movies – although they distract only momentarily from our sense of isolation. Alienation stems from a lack of connection with others, and it leaves you feeling separate even in company. You can suffer from inner loneliness whether your life is full and busy or seemingly empty.

By definition, loneliness is not a mood disorder. However, if you are lonely it’s not uncommon to experience other related mood disorders such stress, anxiety and depression. Sadly, conventional medicine tends to reduce these psychological problems to the mere biochemical level and many people suffering loneliness end up taking anti-depressant drugs. Unfortunately, in addition to unwanted side-effects, the drugs only hide their problems and treatment often fails to address the real underlying problem.
People try to cope with their loneliness in different ways. Some of them are negative coping mechanisms such as:

–        Spending a lot of time alone by choice

–        Avoiding parties and places where people gather

–        Never inviting people into your home

–        Addictions that temporarily cover up the loneliness but create bigger monster worries for the future.

–        Sleeping more and staying home more.

–        Spending excessive time on the internet, chatting on forums, blogs and seeking friendships only through the internet.

–        Taking over the counter medicines that relax us while trying to cover up the feelings of isolation.

–        Refusing to get out and meet new people

–        Acting out our anger instead of defusing it with logic and reason or asking for help from a professional

–        spending excessive time at work where work becomes the focal point of your life and neglecting other areas of your life

–        Ignoring loneliness altogether, escaping or hiding your feelings

Loneliness can be caused by a number of different reasons. It is sometimes triggered by life-changing events. It could happen as a result of conditions such as grief and other types of personal loss in our lives. Or it could be a slow, gradual realization that you have been isolated, abused or alienated for some time by people who are supposed to love you and be there for you.

Other common causes of loneliness are peer rejection, poor self-esteem, unemployment, loss of a loved one, separation, illness, just to name a few.

The first step to overcoming loneliness is to understand what it is caused by. Sometimes the underlying problem is not as obvious and some soul-searching is needed to understand the true causes. Many people look at their reasons for loneliness by giving “blame” to something – or someone. Blaming society, blaming their parents, blaming their poor relationship and so on. It is important to realize that blame is very disempowering and immediately takes away the responsibility for yourself, the power to take action and the power to change your situation.

The very most important thing to do is the realization that you CAN do something about your loneliness, no matter what your circumstances may be, no matter what it is caused by.

So stop the blame, stop escaping your problem, stop hiding from it, stop doing all those ‘negative coping’ mechanisms that don’t work for you in the long term.

There are better and more effective ways to cope with loneliness and it goes beyond ‘call a friend’ (what if you don’t have any?) or ‘meet someone at the singles club’, or ‘go and see a movie’. They may be positive ways in dealing with loneliness, but overcoming loneliness is a process of change that goes way beyond that. It is a journey of self-discovery, self-acceptance and understanding of yourself or your situation and as a RESULT, you will find yourself  starting to do all of those things which will get you out of your emotional isolation for good.

One of the healing strategies – and you can apply this immediately if you want to – is to become your own best friend. Who wants to be your friend anyway, if you can’t be a friend to yourself? No matter where you are or what you do, realize that:

–        You choose how to act

–        You choose what to say

–        You choose whom to be with

–        You choose what to believe

–        You choose what to think

So in becoming your own first best friend, look at yourself in the mirror and nurture your soul by saying to yourself –out loud- only good things about yourself – yes, even if you are a male. And if you can’t think of any, the more reason you should do this exercise and the more reason you can benefit from the strategies which you can find in my book “Overcoming Loneliness”

Some examples of what you can say are:

“I appreciate myself for…” (your lovely curly hair, your friendly character, all that I do, etc)

“I am proud of… (something you have done in the past)

“I love and approve of myself”

“I deserve the best and accept it now”

“I experience, give and receive love”

And don’t forget – it has to be done by fully engaging yourself, with all your emotion and expression. The power of this technique should not be underestimated, and the effects it has to your mind and body.

These is just on of the many ways that I recommend to people who are suffering from loneliness.

If you want to learn more about how you can cope with loneliness, you can download the e-book from my website. Go to homepage: www.overcomeloneliness.com